For reals though!

   I enjoy blogging and sharing of myself. I am flawed and broken, I had decided that the way to blog was to only speak joy and triumph. And while this is a part of who I am, I think most already know that part. Ya see, It's easy to share the photoshopped, filtered version of me. I like her and she is easily digested by the masses. When I share this side of me I get less visits to my blog (people know when it's real, and when it's real fake) but I also don't have to worry that this side of me won't be palatable and will be quickly spit out. So I tend to draw back, to pull away from the reality of this life. That while I absolutely love others I sometimes struggle to understand them and at times to even (dare I say it) like them. I think a lot of that struggle has been because I struggle to like me a lot of the time.

   I have taken a break from the expectations of men (and women for that matter). I am a mess. A glorious mess. I will be judgemental at times. I will have low self esteem and find myself jealous and needy. I will continue to struggle with anxiety from time to time. And once in a while that ugly beast Depression will rear its ugly head and threaten to devour me. And this will come and go and eb and flow. But, I will also continue to do better. I will not lie down and let it all overtake me. I am more than a conqueror, Because of God's mercy, I'm a co-heir with Christ! Spoiler alert so are you. 

   My early life was ugly and I have overcome things most of you cannot comprehend. I am thankful that you didn't have to walk that walk. I wish I hadn't. I will share more at a later date. However, that played a part in shaping me. I am a fighter! And in some ways that's amazing because had I not been I wouldn't be here today. But I find old habits are hard to kill. I do everything in my power to take captive every thought(some get away) I told a friend I still feel like the watcher on the wall. I am looking for and preparing for threats. And while this is a good idea when you're living in a war zone at home, it is a poor plan for peace and trust and friendships as an adult.

   I wear my heart on my sleeve and the idea of being left out or overlooked hurts. I want to belong and on some level so do you. I have decided to step out of a lot of things (and been invited to step out of others, LOL) and want to redefine who I am in the Father. Isn't that always the way with me. I have to pull away from everything and fall back into the arms of my father. I have to silence the voices around me and in me and I need Him to whisper into me peace and acceptance. I need to hear His warm laugh and words of " oh my girl how much I love you and delight in you!" In Zephaniah it says he sings over me and I cry as I picture Him a doting Father so in love with me he must sing into my spirit. 

   So as I begin again and again and again... I ask that you forgive me where I fail. But please understand regardless of your forgiveness I will forgive myself! I will live in peace and joy while battling a hundred foes. And I will be transparent. That's a lot. It might in fact be too much. I get it. I love you and I release you to God forbid not like me very much and find your peeps.