Monday, March 23, 2020

It mattered


I have reached a point in life where I really felt I could do no more for the kingdom. I really doubted I had done anything to begin with honestly. Do you ever mess up and begin to believe you’ve undone all you attempted to do? I am guilty of this and it is a repeated pattern. I am not making good choices now so all the good choices I made previously mean nothing. I wouldn’t say I was angry, or even distanced for that matter. Just numb. Apathetic if you will.



Today I shared a post to Facebook it said tell me your favorite memory of me. I really thought it would be funny and maybe embarrassing. But post after post was people sharing moments when I was praying with them. Singing praise. working with the children's music ministry. I was floored. I really let the tears fall. Cause y’all isn’t that just like my Father to let me see what He sees. To let me see ways I have maybe brought others into His presence. That’s so beautiful. No, I’m not saying I’m so beautiful, but I am saying God’s nature towards me is so loving and tender it is beautiful.



It makes me wonder how many of us live in a place of apathy. A place where we believe the we’re too big a mess, failure, an outsider to exact change for the Father. So, we shut down completely. I can’t remember the last time I sang praise outside my home. I can’t remember the last time I stopped someone to offer to pray with or for them. I can’t remember the last time I sat and talked with someone with the full intention of just seeing them as my Father does. I can’t remember the last time I went to small group. I can’t remember the last time I attended an Emmaus Community meeting. And I can’t remember the last time it mattered to me.



Because y’all pain sucks wind. Like sucks hard. And rather than do the hard work that would grow me in my kingdom transformation. I shut down completely. I decided what was done previously had been greatly inflated due to ego. But see that’s the thing with our humanity. It will tell us we have done more than we have and overinflate our value or it will tell us we've done nothing and we have no value. What we do only has great value if it is done in and through Jesus Christ. It’s not my value or your value but a collective value established in and through the Holy spirit. Only Father knows what He will anoint us to. We can do things through the trinity that we are absolutely unqualified and unworthy of in our humanity.



So, as I read through these comments and was transported to that day that time or that event. I remember the feelings of these times like the joy and laughter in the Baptist choir room. Latin! Am I right?! And the familiarity and fun of a running joke between friends who are actually more like family after 10-15 years. Always waiting on the other side of that line. And then there are the events that felt just a little closer to the throne. The prayer room thick with Holy spirit. Where women were broken surrendered and changed. Where they were brave enough to allow themselves to be vulnerable on a level they never had before. And I was brought to tears and to my knees too many times in that room to count. There was value in that. And what I did in those moments mattered.



I want to begin anew my relationship with Father and with His people. I’ll be honest I’m not sure where to start. I long for community but I feel awkward and outside. Almost like a burden to established groups. I'm a lot y'all. I would love to be a part of reunion group again, a part of a small group, or even a women’s study maybe. I have not wanted any of this in so long. And it is scary to admit I want it now. Thank God for quarantine! LOL It makes me more brave knowing I won’t be facing y’all anytime soon. I’m not sure what the answer is. Vulnerability is so beautiful in others and so scary in ourselves. But I feel a call to be vulnerable in this so I will submit.


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