No one is out to get you. Hard to believe if you grew up the same way I did. Throughout life I've built up many many walls. I've been the watcher on the wall. Waiting for the battle and consistently ready to wage it! In the past I needed those walls. That readiness.
Now, to be honest, life has not been fair and some days people really do just suck! But, more often than not, people aren't out to get you or me. They're just trying to make it through life, through some pretty sucky situations of their own. No one wakes up in the morning and thinks they will exclude, speak against, or manipulate things against you or me.
I dealt with a man a few weeks ago, and everything I said or did resulted in an eye roll, a heavy sigh, and shared laughs and glances with others. At first I felt I could do nothing right! Nothing! I went back to the old Jill. The one who becomes immediately angry and felt justified. I knew it! I knew it would be like this! I was ready to shred him verbally! I got control of myself, And to be honest, in the moment it flustered me. I couldn't be bold in my words or ministry. I couldn't even stand near him. My legs were shaky and I sat. My hands shook, and I thought I would blow up or run away. Instead I stuck it out.
See that had nothing to do with me, nothing! He felt out of control in other areas of life, and if you know me at all you know controlling me is like flying a kite in a hurricane! Had I blown up, had I eaten away at what was left of his own fragile control, in front of others no less, I would have felt good in the moment, powerful in myself and my words, it would have instantly shut him down.
However, it would have dishonored me, my God, and all those we were with. It would have negated who he is. He's a good man. He is battling a battle I have never faced (thank you Jesus). He will not be starting a fan club for me anytime soon, but that's ok. Because he loves the Lord our God. And our Father is jealous for him! It would have left a dark cloud over what is supposed to be a ministry to our Father.
So I went home and have prayed about it. And this morning when I watched him all those old feelings began to stir in me, but God said no. He gave me a glimpse again of this mans goodness and his battle, and I remembered who I have been, how I have manipulated against others my own self, and how I still find a place in his service. And I felt peace. 1 Corinthians 13:5 Love is not rude, it does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. Hmmm.... Think I may need to keep burning those old records. And hopefully others are burning their records of ways I've wronged them. God bless and keep you, Ms. Jill
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