Transparent moment

I had a friend call me out the other day on being closed off. She said it's always " I'm fine"  "It's all good."  " No complaints."  Well....
It's been a struggle. I feel like the floor fell out from under me. I have lain in bed thinking and praying  that God would just fill me with joy and laughter. Only to be kicked one more time on my way out the door.  I have days where I sit on my washer and just cry and feel like the air is being crushed from me. I have literally thought, I need to talk with someone, but there is no one to call. Either my friends have their own problems, or I have met my quota on "drama" I've taken too long and it's time to get over it all. Everybody has problems. No one person is at fault but My GGs are no more and I am broken hearted to see it end, but that is the nature of life, it's cyclic. I lost a sister who I loved very much and failed as a sister to her. I lost a mother I had never really understood and who didn't understand me either. I am worried for my oldest son who will be senior next year and struggles with autism. I know God has good plans for Him I just wish I had more peace about it. I love and worry for nieces and nephews who should not be facing life without a mom. And I am unsure when or where to step up and step in. I am worried someone will be offended and that is not my desire. I feel overwhelmed and unworthy a lot of the time. I don't know how to be me anymore and that's very tiring. Especially when I don't know who else to be. I am trying to rebuild friendships with the little energy I have. I thought when it all fell down so many would be there to help me rebuild. But few are here. I am thankful for those who are! Very thankful! However, I don't want to lay all my ugly and broken out for all to see. So I find joy in my husband and my boys. And in those who love me and I don't have to be constantly trying and constantly failing when I am with them. I find joy in a God who knows me when I forget who I am. I find joy in His love when I am unloveable and I find joy in knowing that he sits with me in the laundry room and says "talk to ME baby." " I'm not too busy, and you're not too broken."