Trust is a reward for actions

   Trust is such an interesting thing. It's very interactive. It's almost like it has layers. You can build up its strength by adding layer upon layer through your trustworthy actions. For example, think of a piece of paper and realize how easy it would be to tear it and rip it into a million pieces. However, by adding more and more sheets of paper, as in a phone book, and it becomes next to impossible to rip or tear apart. The same holds true for trust. By our actions we can either strengthen or weaken the trust we've built with others.
   1corinthians 4: 2 says; those who are trusted with such an important task must show that they are worthy of that trust.
   I know for me, I struggle to,open up, tear down walls and allow others in to my soft and vulnerable heart. And they must show me they are trustworthy. That all of these deeply private things are something they will take seriously and protect the same way I have. And then once that trust has been built and strengthened over time it has to be taken care of. See with every untrustworthy action we remove a layer and the overall trust is weaker for it. To ask someone to maintain that same level of trust is an impossibility. Now that is not to say that through time and actions we can't rebuild the trust. I believe we can rebuild, and in time make it even stronger. But that has to be worked for and built back up.
   Where I have failed in these areas I pray for forgiveness and where others have failed me I pray for the power to truly forgive. Love is to be shared and given to all, however,Trust is a reward for actions it is not freely given.
God bless and keep you, Ms. Jill
 

  Handle with care. Such a simple statement. It means what I am sharing with you means something to me. I would hate to see the bonds that have been built be broken down. Cause each time it is shattered a piece of me is broken with it. It's hard to let people see the real you only to have them say " hmmm, no thanks." You see it requires a degree of vulnerability to allow someone to be that close and still be that transparent. It happens to each one of us as we enter into relationships. Wether they be friendship or more you are offering yourself up. And in doing so it may be reciprocated and someone built up and strengthened because of it. At other times, it may be that the person who knows the most about you and who you've given so much to, they may not be able to give back and/ or build you up in the same way. In those circumstances you may be left weaker and more broken than you were before. However there is a relationship that is nothing but pure love, joy, acceptance and loyalty. A relationship with the Father. And He understands who you are and that at times you will not be His utmost beautiful beloved. You might be His broken beloved. You may be his angry lashing out beloved. You may even be His weak and failing beloved. Now here is where He gives an example of true love. Because he will love you regardless! He will think good and pure thoughts about you. He will Love you even in front of your enemies. And He will never withhold His love from you. Even when you fail, even when you are hard to love. You can call on Him and fall on Him, and you will never exhaust His mercy, grace, and love. He is jealous for you and will always take up your cause. His bond is impenetrable, unbreakable, and His loyalties never run short. He is always careful with the Love and transparency given to Him. Remember that sisters and brothers.
God bless and keep you, Ms. Jill

Just being me

   Life's interesting don't you think. The things that seemed so important at times in your life can become so unimportant in a heartbeat. I had a man tell me the other day that people are laughing at me! In the past, that might have been important to me. In fact, in the past it could have been devastating! See a lot of my self worth was tied up in the opinions of others. I would decide my worth based on their words. Here's the thing, those same people who love me one minute could find me unimportant and even repugnant the next.( $2 word of the day)  And the people that you would have sworn were loyal and had your back no matter what could turn out to be the ones with the knife. And, even though that hurts it does not change who you are. So let them laugh! In fact I might laugh with them! Cause My God is Good! He has given me a full appraisal and in Song of Solomon 4:7 he says I'm His beloved and He finds no fault in me! So as I write this blog remember, these are my feelings, my thoughts and my experiences. If you find them offensive please understand my intent is never to offend but if you come looking for an offense you will find one, that's on you not me. If you come to my blog to find fault, honey, you will find it. I am riddled with faults. Never tried to hide them! And if you simply came to make fun, and/or laugh at me? Awesome, I'll laugh with you!
Job8:21 He fills my lips with joy and my mouth with laughter!
God bless and keep you (all of you), Ms. Jill

Times not on my side

   Time is flying by so quickly with my boys! I remember them being tiny and almost all my time being spent with them. They are older and branching out now and believe me, they don't want to be with me all the time. However, no matter what they say, I know that when they get to their activities; track meets, plays, games, what have you the first people they look for are myself and their father. And, I am heartbroken when I am unable to attend any of these events. Not because it is so fun to stand in a dirt storm, or get sunburned, or eat concession food for supper, but because these are memories I will never have another chance to create. I love when they are telling about an event and they or their friends say "you should have seen your face momma/Jill!" I want them all to know how important they are to me and how proud I am of their accomplishments. I pray they do. I think they do.
   Next year is Chance's senior year, and I have spoken with Rick because I don't want to miss a thing. I know that is not always possible when you work,but man it sucks! I carry a lot of guilt over not being there for them on these milestones. But, I hope that what I give them is quality instead of quantity. But I often wonder? Ladies, how have you handled this? What decisions did your family make to tackle these challenges? Rick takes off a lot to make their events and his work is so accommodating to whatever our kids have going. And to a degree mine is as well, however, the nature of my work is different from Rick's. I love my job! Don't ever think otherwise, but gosh it's a struggle. My heart is for my kids and my prayer is that they always know it.
Proverbs 17:6  says parents are the pride of their children.... I hope that's true of mine.
   I pray about this often, my prayer journal is full of these wonderings. I have to believe other moms struggle with this as well. How do I be there for all these last moments of their childhood without giving up everything else? Well I have yet to figure that one out....
  God bless and keep you, Ms. Jill

Cruisin through Spring Break

Beautiful cozumel

    We are back from the best spring break vacation ever!! I had such a great time! We all did. And friends, let me tell you we needed it! We spent all of our drive day at a tire store in Abilene, and then drove all night. We arrived in Galveston at 4 am and slept in the Best America Palace Hotel ( the name LIED. LOL) for 5 hrs, got up and got on the boat, the beautiful, impressive, well staffed, cruise ship (no lie), the Carnival Triumph. We were greeted by drinks at the main lounge and a DJ playing happy, fun, upbeat, music. I will admit, I missed Funship Freddy, he's usually there to greet the guest and he was not this time. We went to our rooms and looked out at the ocean view, and I was impressed as we were quickly greeted by Mad'e our room steward and he was so sweet and helpful. We enjoyed meeting him and getting to hear about his home and family, and he was so attentive to our every need. I swear he knew what we might want or need before we did! We found our favorite spot on the ship at the back where few people were gathered, and were able to enjoy the beautiful view of the ships wake on the waters surface. God does good work y'all and I am constantly impressed by all he has done for us, and as we looked out at the sun setting over the ocean I was reminded again how amazing He is! With the sound of His voice he created these things! We were able to meet new friends and have the pleasure of learning about them and their lives as well as sharing some of our testimony with them. But, more than anything, we were able to enjoy one anothers company. The boys learned to play spades and we shared laughs and good conversation the day it rained. Every evening we enjoyed dinner in the London dining room, we loved Benny and Yoga (yes yoga), and Jose who were our waiters. They were so fun and funny and I loved hearing about their homes and their families. Triumph has wonderful Broadway shows every evening as well as an onboard comedian, and neither failed to impress. My oldest went to some of the club O2 activities but he also enjoyed having freedom to go sit at the back of the boat and enjoy a coffee and some quiet time. He met some great kids and was glad to get to visit and have fun with them. My youngest LOVED Club C'! He made many friends and they ran all over the ship on scavenger hunts and autograph searches and any number of planned activities! In the evenings they were both able to go with their groups and enjoy the main pool and movies on the large screen. So cool! Hayden says the hot tub was amazing for this! =) WE ATE!!! and ATE! and ATE! And the food was too stinkin good! From Guy's burgers, to the taco and burrito bars, as well as pizza parlor that were open from 11am to 1am there was always something amazing to eat! We also enjoyed the Chinese restaurant and New York style deli! There just wasn't much we didn't enjoy! By far our favorite was the lobster dinner in the London dining room, my boys couldn't get enough and the staff just kept bringing more! And did I mention they bring a dessert menu at the end of your meal! And Benny or Yoga always made sure our cappuccinos arrived at the same time as those fabulous desserts! Chance and Hayden loved the soft serve ice cream stations {3 to be exact}, and rick and I might have enjoyed this as well ;-) And for our shore excursion, we were thrilled to get to swim with the sting rays! They are so beautiful and fun to watch. I highly recommend this excursion! Friends I could go on forever, but I will just close by saying we had such an awesome vacation, and we will definitely sail with Carnival Cruise lines again!

Chance18

Carnival baby!!

So I'm sitting here in bed getting comfy and ready to sleep. I have spent most of the evening trying to get together outfits for our family cruise in two days! Eeeekkk!!! I can't wait!  We LoVe Carnival cruise lines! If you've never been on one you must go. I hate that they've received so much bad press. We have never cruised with them that we were not treated like queens and kings! They were welcoming and went above and beyond to meet our every need or want.  And I've no reason to believe this trip will be any different =]]
  This trip was a Christmas gift for my husband and our boys. We have spent many holidays giving toys and games and things that were broken and forgotten. A couple of years ago I decided to do family adventures instead. With our busy lives it is a rare treat to get to spend this time together As a family with no outside interruptions. And I am selfish and protective of my time with these special and amazing guys.  After all I only have so many of these left before my boys are men with lives & families of their own. Chance will be celebrating his 18th bday while onboard. This is unreal to me! He should still be my sweet little toe headed baby carrying funky monkey and a binky every where he went!  So I will enjoy every moment he is trapped with us. ;))

  I am so excited to get this much needed break from reality and downtime with family!

Transparent moment

I had a friend call me out the other day on being closed off. She said it's always " I'm fine"  "It's all good."  " No complaints."  Well....
It's been a struggle. I feel like the floor fell out from under me. I have lain in bed thinking and praying  that God would just fill me with joy and laughter. Only to be kicked one more time on my way out the door.  I have days where I sit on my washer and just cry and feel like the air is being crushed from me. I have literally thought, I need to talk with someone, but there is no one to call. Either my friends have their own problems, or I have met my quota on "drama" I've taken too long and it's time to get over it all. Everybody has problems. No one person is at fault but My GGs are no more and I am broken hearted to see it end, but that is the nature of life, it's cyclic. I lost a sister who I loved very much and failed as a sister to her. I lost a mother I had never really understood and who didn't understand me either. I am worried for my oldest son who will be senior next year and struggles with autism. I know God has good plans for Him I just wish I had more peace about it. I love and worry for nieces and nephews who should not be facing life without a mom. And I am unsure when or where to step up and step in. I am worried someone will be offended and that is not my desire. I feel overwhelmed and unworthy a lot of the time. I don't know how to be me anymore and that's very tiring. Especially when I don't know who else to be. I am trying to rebuild friendships with the little energy I have. I thought when it all fell down so many would be there to help me rebuild. But few are here. I am thankful for those who are! Very thankful! However, I don't want to lay all my ugly and broken out for all to see. So I find joy in my husband and my boys. And in those who love me and I don't have to be constantly trying and constantly failing when I am with them. I find joy in a God who knows me when I forget who I am. I find joy in His love when I am unloveable and I find joy in knowing that he sits with me in the laundry room and says "talk to ME baby." " I'm not too busy, and you're not too broken."