Hard pressed but not crushed!

So tonight I am tired. Yes physically. But my soul is exhausted. I have had many twists and turns in the last year. I was diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis, and fibromyalgia. By the time I received the diagnosis it had affected not only my joints but was attacking my liver and kidneys. I began infusions  to stop my immune system from attacking my body. It’s a strange thing to have your body attack itself. It means you have to kill the very system that protects you. I missed a lot of my sons junior year activities because oddly a large crowd shoved into a gym, or concession stand also means a large amount of bacteria and viruses. I was exhausted all the time and struggled to work and manage my illness. I literally could not stay out of the bathroom from being sick to my stomach and kept having to take off to get treatment. I remember waking up one morning and sitting at my vanity and thinking how did we get here Lord? I have no church family, no job, and I am so untrusting I haven’t even included my friends in this. See I had felt very hurt by some events at church and had left some ministries and been asked to leave another. Shame made it next to impossible to walk back through those doors. And when I finally felt so broken I was ready to go back I couldn’t be around crowds. And during a very difficult time in my life before I had leaned heavily on a group of women I called family at the time and it seems I leaned too heavily and our friendships broke under the weight of it. So I did not reach out to friends for anything including prayer this time. I can remember being so angry with my husband for reaching out to the deacons of our church for prayer prior to my first liver biopsy. I told him please don’t do that to me and set us up to look like needy takers! With the loss of my job I lost a lot of self worth. See I have messed up a lot of things but have always known I was a good nurse. Good at my job. An asset to my employers. A contributor to my family. I literally had lost everything I felt gave me value. The enemy had set up a perfect situation to kill my self worth, steal my health and destroy my walk. But God! He brought back into my life a precious sister that I have loved for more than 20 years. And she would not let me tell her no. She came to appointments and she would “just check in” throughout the days. She may be the funniest person I’ve ever known and my Tyra keeps me laughing in the worst of it. I visited her huge church and she and her husband sat away from everyone and just let me worship and be fed. I have had a few job offers and my amazing husband says no. He wants everything to be well in control before I return. God has provided for all our families needs and many of our wants! I began a women’s group weirdos in the word. We do studies together. We cuss and cry together as needed, but laugh together more than anything. I was able to return to church one Sunday and hope to return again soon. There are still days I can hardly move because of the pain and my hands won’t do what they’ve been told to do. And my precious husband has been battling pneumonia and an effusion for over a month. We still have to see a pulmonologist and will most likely need another surgery to remove the fluids from his chest. He  does not complain. He does not ask anyone for anything. But I did reach out to our church for prayers and they were faithful to come pray with us and to call and check on him. Our oldest son will be leaving for the army January 22. He feels led to serve and though we are trusting God to walk with him and keep him safe my momma heart wishes his calling was a safer one. Our youngest will graduate and leave for college this year. He will go do big things. But it is a new chapter for us and I will miss what was. When the enemy came for us he forgot to whom we belong! He forgot the promises of a good and faithful Father!

So we will continue to battle and we will have hard days. But we will also give thanks that in the midst of the struggle there is so much to be thankful for.