Need a break

I find myself trying to work some things out with God. And I am taking a break from the blog for a while. I will continue to pray for all of you

Comparison and competition

Comparison and competition are the enemies of joy and contentment. I know because for years I've struggled with it and watched other women fall victim to it as well. In fact I think it's one of Satan's favorite tools to use against us women. I have reached a point in my life where I won't allow these thoughts or emotions to take hold of me any longer! Every time a thought of why not me?, or why them? pops up I will take it captive and refuse to let it have control over me or my thoughts. In fact I will say aloud I conquer all things through Christ and this is just a sinful thought or emotion and I will not allow it to take root in my heart, I won't allow to entangle my mind. I will not allow it to consume my time, or taint my witness. And I may continue to struggle, but I also will continue to fight. Proverbs 14:30 a tranquil heart gives life to the flesh but envy makes the bones rot. That's a good word y'all. God bless and keep you, Ms. Jill

Better and better

This week started out kinda rough. Had to take care of some things and stand up for myself, and friends sometimes that's hard! But, if I say I'm going to stop striving and live happy that means in all areas of my life. I don't want to constantly be worrying what people think and how they feel about me. Am I smart enough, am I good at what I do, am I a good fit for this. So I decided just to ask. I need to make some decisions in my life and in order to do that I need to know where I stand before making any moves. Y'all asking these questions was difficult, but I want to live more honestly and I want to stop being whatever I think other people want me to be or being what I need to be to fit in. See God created me to fit in somewhere without changing. And that's where I want to be. And that's where I want to live. Well since that day and tears shed, each day this week has been better than the last. It's been great! I heard some truths I needed to hear and also got some much needed atta-girls. We were able to work out some issues that needed to be addressed and corrected. And it was all handled in a way the Father would have been proud of. I'm trying very hard to live more spirit led and less emotion led. And as such I have been making some more grown up decisions. And God has been rewarding me for it. See He will bless those walking in His will. If you are living to please others and not the Father it might be time for you to reevaluate as well. I want to live genuinely and be confident in my walk. Psalm 71:5 for you have been my hope, Sovereign Lord, my confidence since my youth. God bless and keep you, Ms. Jill

And she "gained" favor!

Lately God's been laying on my heart the appealing characteristics of a Godly woman, and I have been praying He would point them out to me more so day by day. Today I've been reading in Esther and couldn't help but notice the differences between Queen Vashti and Esther. As we are introduced to Queen Vashti she finds herself in a 180 day party celebrating her husband King Xerxes. She is a noble woman the granddaughter of King Nebuchadnezzar accustomed to getting her own way, because of her royal heritage. People of this time simply did not say no to this girl. She is an amazing beauty, even more so than Esther. So she was also accustomed to some degree of getting her way solely based on this fact. She is living in a beautiful castle in fact God saw fit to describe it for several verses. And The description of its beauty and the decadent food and drink are not wasted on this former poor kid. I've always thought how lucky she was to be there, and I never understood how she could so flippantly throw it all away. Drunk King Xerxes sends his eunuchs to ask her to come to the men's party so that he could show off her beauty. And not just one eunuch but 7. He made a bit of a production of this. He was looking to impress these very important men. And SHE SAID NO! She refused. Now listen I get it she had partied with everyone for 180 days and then partied with the ladies for the next 7. He was drunk and so were the rest of the men. But, listen guys her husband, the king, who provided her a life we can hardly imagine called her to come down and be shown off. And her pride? Her circumstance? caused her to say in front of his eunuchs and the noble ladies and all of the visiting nobility that she would not be coming. No. Well I don't know about y'all but I've been here. Not exactly here. But still here. Filled with pride and stubborn will, and one of the things I've found in this situation is there is always a consequence... always. Her husband was enraged! And Followed the counsel of His advisers. And as a consequence she was refused to ever be in the company of the king again, and she was to be stripped of her position. Then we meet Esther. She is an orphaned Jew living with her uncle Mordecai. She was lovely. Upon arriving and meeting Hegai the kings eunuch and the one in charge of the harems and all the girls coming in to compete for the position of queen, she pleased him and gained his favor. Beth Moore puts it this way: She did not wait for favor to fall on her, or be granted to her she endeared herself to him Esther had people skills. Never underestimate the impact of God-driven, scripture quickened people skills, even in the most uncomfortable human encounters. Esther is not meant to teach us how to work people but how to work with people. Hegai went the extra mile because she was humble and likeable. She threw down her defenses and drew his favor without demanding it. She had manners. When the time came for Esther to go and meet the king she was allowed to take anything at all with her and she only used what Hegai advised. She was not too proud to listen and learn from a eunuch who knew the king very well. It says that she won the favor of everyone who saw her. Even the other ladies. She used good judgement and wisdom. Humility and gratitude. And 2:17 The king loved Esther more than all the women, and she found favor and kindness with him more than all the virgins, so that he set the royal crown on her head and made her queen instead of Vashti. There is so much to be said of all these beautiful qualities she possessed, and I hope to grow stronger in all the above. And sisters if you say but that's just not who and how I am, well it wasn't who and how I was either. I have learned these things and continue to learn daily. I can tell you being angry, proud, and "hating" everything does not endear us to anyone. No one says she is so negative and she's never thankful. She hates everyone and everything in her life at some point, in person, on facebook, through whatever means. I want to spend more time with her. I don't want to be a Vashti because at some point God will humble me. I want to be an Esther and allow Him to exalt me. I want the same for all of you. God Bless and Keep You, Ms. Jill

Worry??

Matthew 6:31 so do not worry, saying "What shall we eat? Or What shall we drink? Or What shall we wear?" 32 for the nonbelievers run after all these things, and your Heavenly Father knows you need them. 33 but seek first His Kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well 34 therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. I know we've all read these words but today as I read them they really hit home. He knows you need them. I cannot imagine a loving Father knowing you need these things and withholding them from the children He loves. But first... seek first His face, His will and then obey. But if you're like me sometimes it's hard to show faith in the face of worry and fear. I wonder what about tomorrow, what about the ones I love? And forget He's already there and He's got this. Do you do the same? God bless and keep you, Ms. Jill

Good day :)

Today is a good day. I spent time with my church family in corporate worship and the spirit of The Lord was so present. I have truly missed this! I realize how important it is to my walk. Our pastor Matt said today that Christians are part of the problem and part of the solution. And friends how true is that? At different times I have been the problem, calling others out on their failings, carrying anger and hurt like a heavy weight around my neck. At other times I have been a part of the solution leading others to the love of a true Father, a redeemer, and giving them a glimpse of who He is to me. I want my future to hold a whole lot more of the latter than the prior. I am refocusing, and establishing anew that closeness I've had with Him. I've been so happy and content. I'm trying to change some things around me as well as some things within me. I am tired of striving. The only thing I'm striving for is a closer relationship and understanding with and of God. I am so in love with Him, and I desire the closeness He freely offers! I enjoyed sitting in the presence of others doing the same. It's good y'all! If in fact you don't have a church family to be a part of at this time, please feel free to message or email me. If your in Sweetwater come sit with me in the "bell tower" at Trinity. I would love it! God bless and keep you Ms. Jill

The why...

" I just want to see you happy, everything else will fall into place." Yes, I'm quoting my hubby. And yes he means every word of this. He is confident in who he is. He is confident enough to say big beautiful things don't change me and neither does not having them. Having people approve of me doesn't change who I am and neither does their disapproval. For a day I would love to live in his head and see how it all works. =] but in all seriousness! he knows who he is. God told him. He believed it. End of story. God doesn't have to continually remind him. So why does he always have to remind me. I don't ever doubt his love for me, but I struggle with the why. I mess up time and time again and He loves me! He created this amazing man to remind me of what He says in Romans 8:38 and I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God's love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow- not even the powers of hell can separate us from God's love. So there you have it. Rick's confidence doesn't lie with his goodness it lies with God's goodness. He's got that knowledge deep inside him. I want to stop relying on what Jill brings to this because mine is flawed. I want some of that good deep cellular knowledge, that God loves me because of Him... Not because of me..... I am good enough because of Him..... Not because of me.... And when He speaks words of life and love into me? I think I'll believe Him. And I think you should too. God bless and keep you Ms. Jill

His word is alive

Luke 5: 31-32 Jesus answered them, "Healthy people don't need a Doctor- sick people do. I have come to call not those who think they are righteous, but those who know they are sinners and need to repent." That was my devotional this morning. Nothing else. I was blown away. See me and God were up most of the night talking. He was laying some heavy truths on my heart, and I was laying them right back at His feet. See for a while now, even though I've talked a good game, I've been trying to be the self made righteous. I've been trying to call out my goodness by pointing out the failings of others. Y'all that sucks! There's good news though. He came not to call the righteous, but those who know they are sinners(yes, I'm very aware) and need to repent. Check on that one too. So I repent. Again. And at some point in this walk I'll have to do it again. And you know what He says, then come again. Don't stay away from me and my grace because of shame, or pride. God bless and keep you, Ms. Jill

What a mess?

What a mess I've made. I blogged last week because I like to be transparent. However, I should have considered the feelings of others and I did not. I was very self focused and I was somewhat tryin to remind myself of a journey I am on and using it as a comfort to my somewhat hurt heart. This was not the best choice to make and I should have worded it differently perhaps. This has been a very long year for me and I have been quite a job to be friends with. I have had many people standing in the gap. And that has been a comfort to me. I do know that people can grow tired when so much work is required. And it is no fun thing to be seen in this way, that being said it was where I was and what I felt. I am not a victim. And i had kind of adopted that stance in the last few months. I am walking by faith, and at times it looks more like a drunken crawl than a walk, but still I'm moving forward. I do not have the right to hurt anyone in this life or this walk so All I can do is say I was wrong. If I hurt you I am sorry. Being hurt does not give the right to hurt others. Now then that being said, how about a little more God focus and a little less Jill focus? God bless and keep you, Jill

Growing pains

I've been going through a bit of journey with God in the last few weeks. I have strengths in The areas of loyalty and generosity however, I am weak in the areas of discernment and judgement. So, in the last few weeks I asked God to refine me. This is a painful task, so if it's not something you really desire don't do it!Because while I can see these changes occurring in me they have not been pain free. I asked Him to bring to the forefront the people who truly love me and desire to help, build, and grow me. I also asked that even if it hurts for the moment to move those who are not here for me or my walk, or my growth, I prayed that he would move them to the background and place them in shadow. Bring to light who I am to surround myself with. Even if it wasn't my initial choosing. I had gallbladder surgery this week. And it was a simple surgery with few complications. So at first I thought I'll just keep it to myself. I hate people thinking I'm begging for attention. But one evening during prayer and quiet time God said let them know and see what they do with it. That scared me! Big time! It's one thing to have people find out and ignore because their feelings could be hurt I didn't tell them. They just found out last minute and couldn't be there. Any number of excuses I've made for them a million times. At least then it's not because I'm just not important to them. But, due to my Fathers prompting, I let them know. And waited for the consequences.... Some answers came almost immediately while others were a little slower in revealing themselves. I realized immediately as I sat with a friend in my living room for two hours, saying nothing and everything God had placed a spotlight on her love and acceptance and ability to reciprocate the love and time I'd shown her. Some people from our church set up meals the first 3 nights. Feeding my family but also feeding our souls. Everyone wants to be important and worthy. And this small act of kindness meant the world. I had a friend come sit with me before surgery and tell me how much she loved me. Our new pastor came and sat with us, laughed and talked, he is the first pastor from this church to come sit with us at the hospital. Since he has texted and checked on me. Spotlight! Another friend caught me in the hallway before held my hand and the spotlight was on these two kind friends. Later this same friend brought flowers and the funniest card. I had a friend who has truly been my friend since the moment I met her, I have called on her and her precious husband for years for Christian counsel, and they drove from Bronte, to bring me homemade Jello in a butter bowl. Yep I see God. And cards and prayers and thoughts too numerous to count. Now some of the cards or texts I had hoped for never came. And at first I was so hurt. Then God said remember what you asked for baby. I know this is a true God thing because I am not mad, or angry, I don't wish anyone any ill will. I know that they are good people and have done many good things in their lives as well as mine. However, I am learning discernment and where I am supposed to be, and who should be walking with me. I am so thankful for all that God is doing in me, and in my life. God bless and keep you, Ms. Jill

God Granny and some Good Fruit

I find that with age my discernment is getting better and I am learning that my itty bitty granny was right a LOT of the time!! Galatians 5:22 But, the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives; Love, joy, peace, patience,kindness, goodness, faithfulness 23. Gentleness, and self control. There is no law against these things! God's word is amazing. If He says it, it will come to pass. Now then what did my sweet crazy Granny have to say on these matters? Love? Love em' baby. Even if they don't deserve it love em'. That being said she also said loving em' doesn't mean you have to surround yourself with them. As my wise friend Shellie would say "we can love them from over here." Insert her awesome laughter. Love means wanting the best for others and doing for them what you can to help them get the best. It means saying I will step up for you wether you would do the same for me. It means praying for blessings and rejoicing when they receive them. So I am devoting myself to trying to see others the way god sees them and trying to think the best of them in all circumstances. I will fail at this but I will repent and try again. Better everyday :) Joy? Laugh! And not one of those sweet fake laughs but a deep laugh that makes your face hurt a little! She always said nothing made satan madder than a broken person who can still be joyful. There is a lot to be joyful about. I was redeemed to eternal life I didn't deserve. That's pretty amazing! About 3 yrs ago I had a pulmonary embolism and was in ICU for a week. Death came to claim me and Jesus stepped in the gap! I swore I would be more joyful and find reasons to laugh and sing and tell people I love them wether they reciprocated or not. But life happened and I lost that focus as people turned their backs on friendships, as people said awful things, as people I've loved have passed away, I fell into sadness, depression, and sorrow. So, I am dedicating myself to find something to be joyful about every time I think of something that brings me pain. And when I fail, I will repent, and try to do it better. Peace? She used to say you can't stand in a crap storm, and wonder why things are crappy! In other words don't surround yourself with people who cause drama and expect peace. Don't create the drama yourself and then wonder why things get ugly. When I was younger I would run head long into a crapstorm, in fact go out of my way to be a part of it. I didn't really know different. With age I am figuring out how tiring and depleting that is. That's why God says rest in my peace. It's the only place you can find rest sometimes. So I have decided to find the peace in the storm. Not to run from life, but to have enough sense to know relationships and people who are the bringers of hurricanes. Patience?! Yuck! Good things are worth waiting for, they're not easy to wait for but they're worth it. God will bring about His perfect will in his perfect time. Or I can jump in make a mess and postpone my blessing. I want to find that balance between waiting and stepping out in faith. And that requires patience when you are a fire starter like I am. So I will wait! Kindness, Granny always said its loves soft touch. I think that's very true. It's doing more than you have to. It's thinking better of them than they deserve. It,s empathy and compassion. And taking into consideration the other persons spirit, and what has been piled on them, and saying I don't have to be right, right now, instead I'll just be kind. It's a beautiful text, a special card, or sending flowers to a sister in need of a smile. I really do try to be kind. But there is always room for improvement. Goodness? She said it's what you do in the dark. It's what everything else grows from. Remember apart from God no one is good. It's impossible. But with Him dwelling within us, He is the voice directing us to good, right, and just choices. I strive to be better and better in all these times when it's just me and God and the right choice. Faithfulness? I believe it to mean loyalty. An allegiance to uphold someone's reputation, to step up when they are in need, and to not allow anyone to tear them down in my presence. I think of it as holding firm to promises even when everything says they will never come to pass. I think of it as a 23 yr marriage that has never seen divorce as an option. I think of it as a friendship that says I won't stand here and let you tear down this person. I think of it as the love of a granny who knows you're a hot mess, but stands in faith that you'll mature into a message. Gentleness, that ones a booger! I tend to be like a bull in a china closet with words. I've lost friendships because of a sharp tongue and a quick wit. I am learning to temper my words with compassion. I think of when a young child holds something precious and we say. Be gentle, don't break it. Because of my lack of gentleness I have broken many precious things. But I am trying very hard to bubble wrap my sharp edges in gentleness and when I fail? I'll try again. Self control? Pump the breaks kid! It's not letting emotion rule your actions, but instead being ruled by good sense and Holy Spirit. I am getting better.... I know hard to believe. But, I am. I am not where I want to be but I am closer every day. I don't post half the things I think. I write them, save them, revisit them, and delete them. I will continue to try to live in this way. It is hard! So I will continue to try to live out these fruits so that others will know He who lives in me. Again, I am not perfect and I will fail. But, I will never stop trying! God bless and keep you, Ms. Jill

Perfect Fit!

There have been many times in my life when I feel I don't belong. I'm going through one of those times now. Not good enough. You just don't fit. You're not that important or necessary. Satan is good at what he does. He knows my struggles just like he knows yours. But I have a God who's bigger than this. I know where I fit. I fit with Rick, and my boys. He placed me here We share the same kinda weird. It's a good thing. We celebrated Mother's Day today.(Sunday is Mimi's day) And we did nothing special, we napped and they made me a steak dinner and cheesecake, and we watched a movie. It was great. I love them, and if I fit nowhere else. I fit here. I am THE MOMMA. They love me, they get me, and they think I'm awesome! How insane is that? And here I am worrying over things and people that make no difference. I don't mean that in a bad way, I love people! I do! I love to be loved! I love to be needed. I don't know anyone who doesn't. But, I will not fit some places. Even if you feel called to something you will watch someone else do it. They look the part. They are a better fit. Well, if I have to change to fit then it's not for me. At these times, I may be where I'm not supposed to be. In fact probably am. And I am ok with that, because for now it's where God has placed me. But, as long as these three remain. My God, My husband, and My boys these are the places I fit. This is where I am meant to be! So if you find yourself feeling a little lost, or trying to find your identity in the wrong people or places. Ask for discernment. He'll show you who and what he wants for you. And don't be silly like me trying to fit in the wrong place, instead enjoy the gifts he's given you! And as for Rick, Chance, and Hayden, thanks for teaching me home and belonging, and Love!!!

Because I'm happy

   Happy is what you make it, always has been always will be. You and I can sit around discussing and deciding on all the reasons to be unhappy, it's easy to do, they're abundant. You will find strife and hardship are plentiful in this life. But, don't you love the but, this is not our only life. We as Christians are just traveling through this world. We have a promise of a greater much more rewarding life beyond anything we can imagine. I always tell my patients when we are working out, can you do five more minutes? C'mon, we can do anything for five minutes. And most of the time they can. Because they have hope that this is temporary. Friends, this is temporary. This is preparation for the big game. For an eternity spent in the arms of the lover of our souls! That's good y'all!
   So now, I know what you're saying, sounds great but we're not there, we're here. True. Now what will you do with here? Will you focus on you? Take a million selfies and wait for the compliments to roll in. Say I want a better house, a nicer car, a better class of friends. I'll be happy when I get all these things! Or will you take some time right now right in this moment to say I believe I'll be happy right where God has me. Yep it's as easy and as hard as a decision to say I'm here May as well be joyful and do something good. Because guess what? The compliments, the house, the better car, and the so called better class of people may never come, and..... Then..... What? You missed your shot at being happy right where you are. Boo, that makes me sad even to write it. How bad would that be to get to the end of all this amazing life and say I missed the joy looking for the more?
   So today, ask God to open your eyes and heart to all the joy around you. All the blessings he's already given you. I don't know what all your blessings are, but I know you are blessed. You may have to stop complaining, or God forbid lay down an old hurt, so that you can move to better place to get a better view of all the funny happy silly things our Father has for you! Go out and find your happy. It's there! Our God ensures blessings on those he loves, but if you're looking down at all Satan has for you instead of up at all God is and does you'll miss it!
  May God bless and keep you, Ms. Jill

The Lord's lavish love

   Yesterday my husband and I went to Lubbock to meet my niece and the sweet family she's staying with to look for her first car.  We went to lunch first, and our spoken prayer was that God would open hearts and doors to us that shouldn't be open to us, just because we're His, just because He loves us. We went to the first couple of lots where my nephew Matt met us  We  looked at a few and then she fell for a Pontiac. She drove it out and was pleased, we went in and filled out paperwork only to find the lot's interest rate was 17%. Umm, no. We said we would like to talk with our credit union Monday and would get back to them. This car was a Pontiac , and would have been $10,000. This was above what we had originally asked for, our range was $6000-$9000. We moved on to the lot my friends father had so graciously sent us to and told us who to talk to.  We worked with Daniel, he is an amazing man of God. He sent us to the trade in lot. And, there we found several cute little cars.  Daniel went to the main office to ask prices. One we had looked at was a 2008 Nissan Altima. We figured it would be out of our price range but thought that we would ask. When Daniel returned he said it was $6000! What?! So the guys look it over and say it looks really good. The guys and Sara drive it out and are very pleased with how well it drives.  We then went inside and Daniel said let's do the paperwork. Rick said we would like to go through our credit union that we've never paid more than 4%. He asked us to go through them and said he bet he could do around 4%.  In his absence the guys were trying to figure out why it was so inexpensive? What could be wrong with it? The blue book was saying $9000 at the lowest. Well, it took a while but then Daniel returned and said he got us 4% and her payments would be $149. We didn't even need to ask why? He said "Sara, you are getting an amazing deal on that car. It was listed for $8900 and Max Mcgavock says he doesn't even know why he said $6000, but he is honoring it!" Wow! God went ahead of us, and he set up this meeting! He shut the door at the first car lot because he had better at the next. He knew exactly what we could do, and he not only met us there, he made the price the lowest we asked! God is so good and he seeks to do abundantly more for His beloved than we could ever dream! He loves Sara! And He sought to give her the desires of her heart! Now she will have a safe and  dependable car for college. Thanks to the God of mercy and lavish love!

OUTCAST

   Probably twice a year I clean out closets and dressers of my family of four. I get rid of things that are too small too worn out and just never really used them. We bag them up in the garage till I can take them to goodwill or the clothes closet. But, it gets me to thinking, what makes something an outcast?
   I know this boy from church. He has struggled his whole life to make friends, to be loved and involved. He has a neurobiological issue that makes him, to say the least, quirky. He is too loud when he should have been quieter. He says things that, though truthful can be hurtful. He never  learned how to read facial or social clues. So when someone is checking their watch, or looking anywhere but at him he continues to talk about the subject he was on, because he doesn't realize they are bored. This disorder makes him unable to see the forest for the trees.
   Now through the years he has had a friend or two here and there. Never very close, and never very reliable. See outcast status is a funny thing, it can rub off on an otherwise reasonably popular kid. And in today's society there is a lot of emphasis on being part of the acceptable, the keepers. When these relationships fall apart, well here's the sad part. He doesn't realize much less understand it. So, these kids have at times used cruelty and embarrassment to run him off and help him understand. The other day at church, As I watched from the balcony a group of youth sat 9 people on one row so there would be no room for this boy. He still didn't understand and continued to try to talk to them, they laughed and made faces, he never knew. He had a group of a few boys. He called them his brothers. They came often for a while and then kind of faded away. But, then they returned and he was thrilled! He took them out to eat and to drag around town. He even took them to others friends houses, he was not invited to stay. Then they simply came to the boy's house to raid the fridge, or make a call, or just needed his mom to take care of an injury. Then they stopped calling him at all. They still continued to get together one block from his home. The boy still didn't understand. He continues to call them brothers. He does not realize he has been cast out.
   Now all this is said, just to remind myself and maybe others, that Jesus came to love the popular, the charming, the pretty kids. He came to love the ones who are easy to love. Who deserve it.
   Wait. That's not right! Jesus came to love the unloved, right? The losers? The ones who get mad? The ones who are awkward? The outcast?

Trust is a reward for actions

   Trust is such an interesting thing. It's very interactive. It's almost like it has layers. You can build up its strength by adding layer upon layer through your trustworthy actions. For example, think of a piece of paper and realize how easy it would be to tear it and rip it into a million pieces. However, by adding more and more sheets of paper, as in a phone book, and it becomes next to impossible to rip or tear apart. The same holds true for trust. By our actions we can either strengthen or weaken the trust we've built with others.
   1corinthians 4: 2 says; those who are trusted with such an important task must show that they are worthy of that trust.
   I know for me, I struggle to,open up, tear down walls and allow others in to my soft and vulnerable heart. And they must show me they are trustworthy. That all of these deeply private things are something they will take seriously and protect the same way I have. And then once that trust has been built and strengthened over time it has to be taken care of. See with every untrustworthy action we remove a layer and the overall trust is weaker for it. To ask someone to maintain that same level of trust is an impossibility. Now that is not to say that through time and actions we can't rebuild the trust. I believe we can rebuild, and in time make it even stronger. But that has to be worked for and built back up.
   Where I have failed in these areas I pray for forgiveness and where others have failed me I pray for the power to truly forgive. Love is to be shared and given to all, however,Trust is a reward for actions it is not freely given.
God bless and keep you, Ms. Jill
 

  Handle with care. Such a simple statement. It means what I am sharing with you means something to me. I would hate to see the bonds that have been built be broken down. Cause each time it is shattered a piece of me is broken with it. It's hard to let people see the real you only to have them say " hmmm, no thanks." You see it requires a degree of vulnerability to allow someone to be that close and still be that transparent. It happens to each one of us as we enter into relationships. Wether they be friendship or more you are offering yourself up. And in doing so it may be reciprocated and someone built up and strengthened because of it. At other times, it may be that the person who knows the most about you and who you've given so much to, they may not be able to give back and/ or build you up in the same way. In those circumstances you may be left weaker and more broken than you were before. However there is a relationship that is nothing but pure love, joy, acceptance and loyalty. A relationship with the Father. And He understands who you are and that at times you will not be His utmost beautiful beloved. You might be His broken beloved. You may be his angry lashing out beloved. You may even be His weak and failing beloved. Now here is where He gives an example of true love. Because he will love you regardless! He will think good and pure thoughts about you. He will Love you even in front of your enemies. And He will never withhold His love from you. Even when you fail, even when you are hard to love. You can call on Him and fall on Him, and you will never exhaust His mercy, grace, and love. He is jealous for you and will always take up your cause. His bond is impenetrable, unbreakable, and His loyalties never run short. He is always careful with the Love and transparency given to Him. Remember that sisters and brothers.
God bless and keep you, Ms. Jill

Just being me

   Life's interesting don't you think. The things that seemed so important at times in your life can become so unimportant in a heartbeat. I had a man tell me the other day that people are laughing at me! In the past, that might have been important to me. In fact, in the past it could have been devastating! See a lot of my self worth was tied up in the opinions of others. I would decide my worth based on their words. Here's the thing, those same people who love me one minute could find me unimportant and even repugnant the next.( $2 word of the day)  And the people that you would have sworn were loyal and had your back no matter what could turn out to be the ones with the knife. And, even though that hurts it does not change who you are. So let them laugh! In fact I might laugh with them! Cause My God is Good! He has given me a full appraisal and in Song of Solomon 4:7 he says I'm His beloved and He finds no fault in me! So as I write this blog remember, these are my feelings, my thoughts and my experiences. If you find them offensive please understand my intent is never to offend but if you come looking for an offense you will find one, that's on you not me. If you come to my blog to find fault, honey, you will find it. I am riddled with faults. Never tried to hide them! And if you simply came to make fun, and/or laugh at me? Awesome, I'll laugh with you!
Job8:21 He fills my lips with joy and my mouth with laughter!
God bless and keep you (all of you), Ms. Jill

Times not on my side

   Time is flying by so quickly with my boys! I remember them being tiny and almost all my time being spent with them. They are older and branching out now and believe me, they don't want to be with me all the time. However, no matter what they say, I know that when they get to their activities; track meets, plays, games, what have you the first people they look for are myself and their father. And, I am heartbroken when I am unable to attend any of these events. Not because it is so fun to stand in a dirt storm, or get sunburned, or eat concession food for supper, but because these are memories I will never have another chance to create. I love when they are telling about an event and they or their friends say "you should have seen your face momma/Jill!" I want them all to know how important they are to me and how proud I am of their accomplishments. I pray they do. I think they do.
   Next year is Chance's senior year, and I have spoken with Rick because I don't want to miss a thing. I know that is not always possible when you work,but man it sucks! I carry a lot of guilt over not being there for them on these milestones. But, I hope that what I give them is quality instead of quantity. But I often wonder? Ladies, how have you handled this? What decisions did your family make to tackle these challenges? Rick takes off a lot to make their events and his work is so accommodating to whatever our kids have going. And to a degree mine is as well, however, the nature of my work is different from Rick's. I love my job! Don't ever think otherwise, but gosh it's a struggle. My heart is for my kids and my prayer is that they always know it.
Proverbs 17:6  says parents are the pride of their children.... I hope that's true of mine.
   I pray about this often, my prayer journal is full of these wonderings. I have to believe other moms struggle with this as well. How do I be there for all these last moments of their childhood without giving up everything else? Well I have yet to figure that one out....
  God bless and keep you, Ms. Jill

Cruisin through Spring Break

Beautiful cozumel

    We are back from the best spring break vacation ever!! I had such a great time! We all did. And friends, let me tell you we needed it! We spent all of our drive day at a tire store in Abilene, and then drove all night. We arrived in Galveston at 4 am and slept in the Best America Palace Hotel ( the name LIED. LOL) for 5 hrs, got up and got on the boat, the beautiful, impressive, well staffed, cruise ship (no lie), the Carnival Triumph. We were greeted by drinks at the main lounge and a DJ playing happy, fun, upbeat, music. I will admit, I missed Funship Freddy, he's usually there to greet the guest and he was not this time. We went to our rooms and looked out at the ocean view, and I was impressed as we were quickly greeted by Mad'e our room steward and he was so sweet and helpful. We enjoyed meeting him and getting to hear about his home and family, and he was so attentive to our every need. I swear he knew what we might want or need before we did! We found our favorite spot on the ship at the back where few people were gathered, and were able to enjoy the beautiful view of the ships wake on the waters surface. God does good work y'all and I am constantly impressed by all he has done for us, and as we looked out at the sun setting over the ocean I was reminded again how amazing He is! With the sound of His voice he created these things! We were able to meet new friends and have the pleasure of learning about them and their lives as well as sharing some of our testimony with them. But, more than anything, we were able to enjoy one anothers company. The boys learned to play spades and we shared laughs and good conversation the day it rained. Every evening we enjoyed dinner in the London dining room, we loved Benny and Yoga (yes yoga), and Jose who were our waiters. They were so fun and funny and I loved hearing about their homes and their families. Triumph has wonderful Broadway shows every evening as well as an onboard comedian, and neither failed to impress. My oldest went to some of the club O2 activities but he also enjoyed having freedom to go sit at the back of the boat and enjoy a coffee and some quiet time. He met some great kids and was glad to get to visit and have fun with them. My youngest LOVED Club C'! He made many friends and they ran all over the ship on scavenger hunts and autograph searches and any number of planned activities! In the evenings they were both able to go with their groups and enjoy the main pool and movies on the large screen. So cool! Hayden says the hot tub was amazing for this! =) WE ATE!!! and ATE! and ATE! And the food was too stinkin good! From Guy's burgers, to the taco and burrito bars, as well as pizza parlor that were open from 11am to 1am there was always something amazing to eat! We also enjoyed the Chinese restaurant and New York style deli! There just wasn't much we didn't enjoy! By far our favorite was the lobster dinner in the London dining room, my boys couldn't get enough and the staff just kept bringing more! And did I mention they bring a dessert menu at the end of your meal! And Benny or Yoga always made sure our cappuccinos arrived at the same time as those fabulous desserts! Chance and Hayden loved the soft serve ice cream stations {3 to be exact}, and rick and I might have enjoyed this as well ;-) And for our shore excursion, we were thrilled to get to swim with the sting rays! They are so beautiful and fun to watch. I highly recommend this excursion! Friends I could go on forever, but I will just close by saying we had such an awesome vacation, and we will definitely sail with Carnival Cruise lines again!

Chance18

Carnival baby!!

So I'm sitting here in bed getting comfy and ready to sleep. I have spent most of the evening trying to get together outfits for our family cruise in two days! Eeeekkk!!! I can't wait!  We LoVe Carnival cruise lines! If you've never been on one you must go. I hate that they've received so much bad press. We have never cruised with them that we were not treated like queens and kings! They were welcoming and went above and beyond to meet our every need or want.  And I've no reason to believe this trip will be any different =]]
  This trip was a Christmas gift for my husband and our boys. We have spent many holidays giving toys and games and things that were broken and forgotten. A couple of years ago I decided to do family adventures instead. With our busy lives it is a rare treat to get to spend this time together As a family with no outside interruptions. And I am selfish and protective of my time with these special and amazing guys.  After all I only have so many of these left before my boys are men with lives & families of their own. Chance will be celebrating his 18th bday while onboard. This is unreal to me! He should still be my sweet little toe headed baby carrying funky monkey and a binky every where he went!  So I will enjoy every moment he is trapped with us. ;))

  I am so excited to get this much needed break from reality and downtime with family!

Transparent moment

I had a friend call me out the other day on being closed off. She said it's always " I'm fine"  "It's all good."  " No complaints."  Well....
It's been a struggle. I feel like the floor fell out from under me. I have lain in bed thinking and praying  that God would just fill me with joy and laughter. Only to be kicked one more time on my way out the door.  I have days where I sit on my washer and just cry and feel like the air is being crushed from me. I have literally thought, I need to talk with someone, but there is no one to call. Either my friends have their own problems, or I have met my quota on "drama" I've taken too long and it's time to get over it all. Everybody has problems. No one person is at fault but My GGs are no more and I am broken hearted to see it end, but that is the nature of life, it's cyclic. I lost a sister who I loved very much and failed as a sister to her. I lost a mother I had never really understood and who didn't understand me either. I am worried for my oldest son who will be senior next year and struggles with autism. I know God has good plans for Him I just wish I had more peace about it. I love and worry for nieces and nephews who should not be facing life without a mom. And I am unsure when or where to step up and step in. I am worried someone will be offended and that is not my desire. I feel overwhelmed and unworthy a lot of the time. I don't know how to be me anymore and that's very tiring. Especially when I don't know who else to be. I am trying to rebuild friendships with the little energy I have. I thought when it all fell down so many would be there to help me rebuild. But few are here. I am thankful for those who are! Very thankful! However, I don't want to lay all my ugly and broken out for all to see. So I find joy in my husband and my boys. And in those who love me and I don't have to be constantly trying and constantly failing when I am with them. I find joy in a God who knows me when I forget who I am. I find joy in His love when I am unloveable and I find joy in knowing that he sits with me in the laundry room and says "talk to ME baby." " I'm not too busy, and you're not too broken."