What a mess?

What a mess I've made. I blogged last week because I like to be transparent. However, I should have considered the feelings of others and I did not. I was very self focused and I was somewhat tryin to remind myself of a journey I am on and using it as a comfort to my somewhat hurt heart. This was not the best choice to make and I should have worded it differently perhaps. This has been a very long year for me and I have been quite a job to be friends with. I have had many people standing in the gap. And that has been a comfort to me. I do know that people can grow tired when so much work is required. And it is no fun thing to be seen in this way, that being said it was where I was and what I felt. I am not a victim. And i had kind of adopted that stance in the last few months. I am walking by faith, and at times it looks more like a drunken crawl than a walk, but still I'm moving forward. I do not have the right to hurt anyone in this life or this walk so All I can do is say I was wrong. If I hurt you I am sorry. Being hurt does not give the right to hurt others. Now then that being said, how about a little more God focus and a little less Jill focus? God bless and keep you, Jill

Growing pains

I've been going through a bit of journey with God in the last few weeks. I have strengths in The areas of loyalty and generosity however, I am weak in the areas of discernment and judgement. So, in the last few weeks I asked God to refine me. This is a painful task, so if it's not something you really desire don't do it!Because while I can see these changes occurring in me they have not been pain free. I asked Him to bring to the forefront the people who truly love me and desire to help, build, and grow me. I also asked that even if it hurts for the moment to move those who are not here for me or my walk, or my growth, I prayed that he would move them to the background and place them in shadow. Bring to light who I am to surround myself with. Even if it wasn't my initial choosing. I had gallbladder surgery this week. And it was a simple surgery with few complications. So at first I thought I'll just keep it to myself. I hate people thinking I'm begging for attention. But one evening during prayer and quiet time God said let them know and see what they do with it. That scared me! Big time! It's one thing to have people find out and ignore because their feelings could be hurt I didn't tell them. They just found out last minute and couldn't be there. Any number of excuses I've made for them a million times. At least then it's not because I'm just not important to them. But, due to my Fathers prompting, I let them know. And waited for the consequences.... Some answers came almost immediately while others were a little slower in revealing themselves. I realized immediately as I sat with a friend in my living room for two hours, saying nothing and everything God had placed a spotlight on her love and acceptance and ability to reciprocate the love and time I'd shown her. Some people from our church set up meals the first 3 nights. Feeding my family but also feeding our souls. Everyone wants to be important and worthy. And this small act of kindness meant the world. I had a friend come sit with me before surgery and tell me how much she loved me. Our new pastor came and sat with us, laughed and talked, he is the first pastor from this church to come sit with us at the hospital. Since he has texted and checked on me. Spotlight! Another friend caught me in the hallway before held my hand and the spotlight was on these two kind friends. Later this same friend brought flowers and the funniest card. I had a friend who has truly been my friend since the moment I met her, I have called on her and her precious husband for years for Christian counsel, and they drove from Bronte, to bring me homemade Jello in a butter bowl. Yep I see God. And cards and prayers and thoughts too numerous to count. Now some of the cards or texts I had hoped for never came. And at first I was so hurt. Then God said remember what you asked for baby. I know this is a true God thing because I am not mad, or angry, I don't wish anyone any ill will. I know that they are good people and have done many good things in their lives as well as mine. However, I am learning discernment and where I am supposed to be, and who should be walking with me. I am so thankful for all that God is doing in me, and in my life. God bless and keep you, Ms. Jill

God Granny and some Good Fruit

I find that with age my discernment is getting better and I am learning that my itty bitty granny was right a LOT of the time!! Galatians 5:22 But, the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives; Love, joy, peace, patience,kindness, goodness, faithfulness 23. Gentleness, and self control. There is no law against these things! God's word is amazing. If He says it, it will come to pass. Now then what did my sweet crazy Granny have to say on these matters? Love? Love em' baby. Even if they don't deserve it love em'. That being said she also said loving em' doesn't mean you have to surround yourself with them. As my wise friend Shellie would say "we can love them from over here." Insert her awesome laughter. Love means wanting the best for others and doing for them what you can to help them get the best. It means saying I will step up for you wether you would do the same for me. It means praying for blessings and rejoicing when they receive them. So I am devoting myself to trying to see others the way god sees them and trying to think the best of them in all circumstances. I will fail at this but I will repent and try again. Better everyday :) Joy? Laugh! And not one of those sweet fake laughs but a deep laugh that makes your face hurt a little! She always said nothing made satan madder than a broken person who can still be joyful. There is a lot to be joyful about. I was redeemed to eternal life I didn't deserve. That's pretty amazing! About 3 yrs ago I had a pulmonary embolism and was in ICU for a week. Death came to claim me and Jesus stepped in the gap! I swore I would be more joyful and find reasons to laugh and sing and tell people I love them wether they reciprocated or not. But life happened and I lost that focus as people turned their backs on friendships, as people said awful things, as people I've loved have passed away, I fell into sadness, depression, and sorrow. So, I am dedicating myself to find something to be joyful about every time I think of something that brings me pain. And when I fail, I will repent, and try to do it better. Peace? She used to say you can't stand in a crap storm, and wonder why things are crappy! In other words don't surround yourself with people who cause drama and expect peace. Don't create the drama yourself and then wonder why things get ugly. When I was younger I would run head long into a crapstorm, in fact go out of my way to be a part of it. I didn't really know different. With age I am figuring out how tiring and depleting that is. That's why God says rest in my peace. It's the only place you can find rest sometimes. So I have decided to find the peace in the storm. Not to run from life, but to have enough sense to know relationships and people who are the bringers of hurricanes. Patience?! Yuck! Good things are worth waiting for, they're not easy to wait for but they're worth it. God will bring about His perfect will in his perfect time. Or I can jump in make a mess and postpone my blessing. I want to find that balance between waiting and stepping out in faith. And that requires patience when you are a fire starter like I am. So I will wait! Kindness, Granny always said its loves soft touch. I think that's very true. It's doing more than you have to. It's thinking better of them than they deserve. It,s empathy and compassion. And taking into consideration the other persons spirit, and what has been piled on them, and saying I don't have to be right, right now, instead I'll just be kind. It's a beautiful text, a special card, or sending flowers to a sister in need of a smile. I really do try to be kind. But there is always room for improvement. Goodness? She said it's what you do in the dark. It's what everything else grows from. Remember apart from God no one is good. It's impossible. But with Him dwelling within us, He is the voice directing us to good, right, and just choices. I strive to be better and better in all these times when it's just me and God and the right choice. Faithfulness? I believe it to mean loyalty. An allegiance to uphold someone's reputation, to step up when they are in need, and to not allow anyone to tear them down in my presence. I think of it as holding firm to promises even when everything says they will never come to pass. I think of it as a 23 yr marriage that has never seen divorce as an option. I think of it as a friendship that says I won't stand here and let you tear down this person. I think of it as the love of a granny who knows you're a hot mess, but stands in faith that you'll mature into a message. Gentleness, that ones a booger! I tend to be like a bull in a china closet with words. I've lost friendships because of a sharp tongue and a quick wit. I am learning to temper my words with compassion. I think of when a young child holds something precious and we say. Be gentle, don't break it. Because of my lack of gentleness I have broken many precious things. But I am trying very hard to bubble wrap my sharp edges in gentleness and when I fail? I'll try again. Self control? Pump the breaks kid! It's not letting emotion rule your actions, but instead being ruled by good sense and Holy Spirit. I am getting better.... I know hard to believe. But, I am. I am not where I want to be but I am closer every day. I don't post half the things I think. I write them, save them, revisit them, and delete them. I will continue to try to live in this way. It is hard! So I will continue to try to live out these fruits so that others will know He who lives in me. Again, I am not perfect and I will fail. But, I will never stop trying! God bless and keep you, Ms. Jill